And Again.

I just read all the entries in my old livejournal from years and years ago. Some of the things I wrote about were exceedingly childish (as I'm sure this will seem in five years), but other things touched me deeply. I haven't thought about him in so long, that I forget how much he hurt me. I blocked the pain out somehow, because when I think about past 'relationships' I rarely think about him. But looking back on the raw emotion spelled out in that journal, I think that I might actually have been in love with him. At least as much in love as someone like me can be, at seventeen, with a man ten years my senior, absolutely terrified of any sort of commitment. I'm not in love with him anymore; but looking back on the pain, I still feel it as deeply as I did back then. When I allow myself to feel it. I can think about him with no pain, but when I think about what we shared, it hurts beyond recognition. As if my soul has been split in two, and I'm no longer whole but half. It's been six months since I saw him, and three years since I thought of him romantically, but remembering those times, all I can think about is the night he told me I put the best kind of spell on him. My seventeen year old heart split in two at that moment, and I've never gotten the other half back.
Good Night Sweet Blogverse. Pray for my heart.